History's Verdict

History Says No More Time Necessary, Reaches Decision
The Verdict? Bush Legacy Indeed a Massive Failure


Apparently sick of hearing the former President George W. Bush spend his last week in office insisting that she would be the final arbiter of his legacy, History decided to speak up. “I keep hearing Bush say more time is needed before we judge his presidency, that History will see him in a different light. Well, I am here today to declare that more time is not needed. I can issue a verdict now,” History opened her statement at her hastily scheduled press conference. “The Bush legacy is and will forever be a massive, unparalleled failure.”

Reporters then peppered History with questions about Iraq, the War on Terror, and some of Bush's other more-lasting “accomplishments” such as the No Child Left Behind Policy. Most reporters wanted to know how she could possibly come to a decision so quickly.

A clearly agitated History retorted, “Quickly?!? You call the longest eight years I can remember since the Holocaust or maybe Attilla the Hun quick?” “I understand that the war on terror and the Iraq war are still ongoing. This is part of why I don't need any more time. The shredding of the constitution, the imprisonment of thousands of innocent people, the deaths of tens of thousands of US soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Afghani and Iraqi people with NO END IN SIGHT, the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, and more lies and corruption than even I can count... what more evidence could I possibly need?”

Upon hearing about History's verdict, Bush administration officials sent out the following statement. “History is clearly feeling some economic and seasonal blues. She has been known to change her mind before and we are confident she will again upon further consideration.”

In response, History's representatives said she is offended but not surprised by the sexist implication of the former administration's response. “This statement continues a long trend from the Bush administration of completely disregarding the facts while pumping unsubstantiated sunshine. Didn't he accuse Kerry of flip-flopping when he changed his mind, and now he wants me to 'reconsider.' There is no need for further consideration. If I have to think about the last eight years ever again, then I might be forced to look for another line of work. People have said those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, but this time I'm going to try another approach. History wants to forget Bush and just pray it never happens again.”